I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
