I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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