He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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