I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
