i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
