Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize