So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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