I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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