His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
