My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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