Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
