Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
