Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
