you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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