I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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