i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
