Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm too high and old for this...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
