My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
