I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
