I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
