im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
