just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
