I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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