I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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