Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
