Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
