I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
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Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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