we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
