I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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