ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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