so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
