Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
