My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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