I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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