i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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