If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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