Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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