So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
