I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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