he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
