no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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