the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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