i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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