doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You may now shotgun with the bride
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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