Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You ate ashes out of my bong
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
