I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
