while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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