Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
