I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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