college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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