new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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