Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
