Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
