so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
