he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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