She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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