I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
